


The Things We Want and Can Never Have

by Eirenne Saijima (ladypoetess)



Category: Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan
Genre: Age of Legends, F/F, Femslash February, Foe Yay, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:31:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladypoetess/pseuds/Eirenne%20Saijima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You think you understand so much, don’t you, Ilyena Dalisar? You think that my anger, my jealousies, that they were directed at you because you got the man that all the proper ladies wanted and that we two each had for a time. But what if you have some of it backwards, or at least partially? What if that wasn’t the whole reason? Would you be willing to listen if I told you?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things We Want and Can Never Have

“Lews Therin must not be allowed to disrupt the Great Lord’s plans, Lanfear.”

 

“I know that, Ishamael.” The twist of her mouth gave lie to the otherwise neutral tone of Lanfear’s voice. “I’ve long told you all not to underestimate him. Even new-come Demandred understands that, however much he chafes and burns at being second best to Lews Therin’s bright star.”

 

“I am less concerned with the man himself. He is charismatic and an excellent field commander, but he has blind spots and weaknesses that we could exploit if that were all we faced.” Ishamael’s hands remained clasped calmly behind his back, looking on Lanfear with a cool distain that she could not ignore.

 

“What, then, would you propose to do about him? We cannot kill him outright; the Great Lord wants him turned to our purpose, if such is possible.”

 

“You know Ilyena, of course.” At Lanfear’s slight nod, Ishamael continued. “She bolsters the weak points that Lews Therin possesses with her own strengths, as he does to hers. Her diplomatic background has made her an unparalleled tactician in larger battlefield strategy; a skill that Lews Therin is sorely deficient in. Where he is skilled at specific battle strategies and small troop movements, Ilyena Therin Moerelle sees the larger tapestry of the battle and plans in wide brush strokes how it should play out.”

 

“I know her background, Ishamael,” Lanfear’s voice was tight now, anger threading through the words. “We were at Paaran Disen together for a time, for all that I was more a scientist and she more the budding politician. What does her history have to do with the Great Lord’s plans, or are you simply choosing to needle me?”

 

A silently quirked eyebrow was all the reply Ishamael gave for a long moment. At last he spoke again. “Lews Therin must be separated from the stabilizing force that Ilyena represents. I could think of no one better suited to the task than you, Mierin; no one who would be more ardent in their efforts.”

 

“My name-” she began hotly, but a sharp gesture from the man standing before her silenced her protest.

 

“Just go. Devise a plan to separate them, see it carried out, and you can do what you will with the leavings in the end.” With the last word, the man once called Elan Morin Tedronai turned his apparent attention to the window, dismissing her entirely.

~*~*~

It was a week later when, during a quiet, late morning lull at home, Ilyena Therin Moerelle heard the soft tinkling sound that indicated that someone wished to form a gateway. Curious, as she had not expected anyone until that afternoon, Ilyena embraced the True Source and spun the answering net that would grant permission for the gateway to open. Times being what they were, however, Ilyena retained her hold on  _ saidar _ and stood, moving to place her back near the wall. She was curious; she was not a fool.

 

The vertical slash of light appeared, rotating and expanding to form a hole in the air that hung suspended a handspan above the floor. Ilyena took a fraction of a moment to be grateful that whoever this was, she was polite enough to avoid damaging the floors and furniture. But as her eyes traveled upward and over the white dress and silver adornments of the woman framed by the gateway, Ilyena’s eyes widened. She knew who it was before her eyes saw the raven black hair or beautiful features of Lanfear, once called Mierin Eronaile, agent of the Dark One, driller of the Bore into the Dark One’s prison, and former sometime lover of Ilyena’s own husband, Lews Therin Telamon. Without thought, Ilyena began spinning defenses against the other woman’s possible attacks, but paused before releasing them when she realized that the other woman was holding no weaves of her own and was simply standing there, smiling.

 

_ Smiling. _

 

“What do you want, Mierin?” Ilyena’s voice was wary, her posture one of long familiarity with power-wrought battle, and her face an expressionless mask that hid the confusing mix of emotions that come with facing a former friend and romantic rival, all grand questions of good and evil aside.

 

“Only to talk with you,” Mierin’s slight gesture took in the room. “I trust that Lews is not at home just now?”

 

“No…” Lews was likely conferring with Latra Posae at that moment, but Mierin had absolutely no need to know that. “He is out for much of the day.”

 

“May I enter?” When Ilyena did not immediately respond beyond a narrowing of her eyes, Mierin spread her hands and continued. “I will swear however you wish that I intend to do you no ill and will make no move against you, that I simply wish to talk.”

 

It was a long moment before Ilyena nodded curtly, gestured to the chairs in the sitting room, and waited for Mierin to precede her into the bright and airy space.

 

For her part, Mierin curtsied slightly, that uncharacteristic smile still on her face, and then carefully stepped over and through the gateway, letting it rotate closed behind her. When the glow of  _ saidar _ vanished from around Mierin as she glided into the sitting room, Ilyena nearly missed a step in shock.

 

_ What is she playing at? The woman comes here, alone, claiming she wishes to  _ talk,  _ has dropped her best means of attack or defense, and has even turned her back to me. She swore her allegiance to the Dark One! She and the rest of those misguided souls have forsaken the Light and, oh, the destruction they have already wrought… _

 

“Will you take tea, Mierin?” Watching out of the corner of her eye, Ilyena moved carefully to the tea service on the table by the wall, her mind working frantically to decipher what could have brought Mierin here, to her.

 

“Please.” Mierin’s voice was light, almost musical - a quality that Ilyena had never known her to display to anyone but Lews.

 

After preparing the tea and handing a cup to the other woman, Ilyena sat on the edge of her chair, the warmth of  _ saidar _ still flowing through her. However much a diplomat she was, however ingrained it was to listen to the other side in a conflict and try to find a resolution, she was not going to let herself become a cautionary tale of an overabundance of credulity. “What do you wish to discuss, Mierin?”

 

“You, Ilyena.” The other woman’s eyes sparkled as she sipped at the tea and watched Ilyena over the rim of her cup.

 

“Oh?” Ilyena sipped at her own cup to cover the moment she took to think. “What could the Dark One or his minions want of me?”

 

“Who says I am here on behalf of the Great Lord or any of his servants? Perhaps I simply wished to talk to a friend and enjoy a cup of tea in company?” Mierin’s lips quirked again in that unsettling smile.

 

“Oh, please. We have never been bosom companions, you and I, Mierin. We could have been, once, but we both desired Lews and you would not accept that he chose me. I fear any chance we could have had to be friends evaporated in those days.”

 

“You think you understand so much, don’t you, Ilyena Dalisar? You think that my anger, my jealousies, that they were directed at you because you got the man that all the proper ladies wanted and that we two each had for a time. But what if you have some of it backwards, or at least partially? What if that wasn’t the whole reason? Would you be willing to listen if I told you?”

 

It was by force of will that Ilyena’s face remained smooth, her hands still on her cup and skirts. Thanks largely to her  _ saidar _ -enhanced senses, in the time Mierin was speaking, Ilyena had noticed the trembling of the surface of her tea, the quickened breathing, the slightly flared nostrils and widened eyes, and the faint tremulous quality to her voice.  _ She is anxious; Mierin never displays anxiety. _ “All right, Mierin. I will listen. I promise nothing beyond that, but I will listen to you.”

 

Mierin gazed into the liquid in the cup in her hands, gathering her thoughts, and after a moment she looked up and spoke. “I never took you for a fighter, Ilyena. Supportive diplomat and politician, certainly, but as I’ve been hearing it told, you are a singular force on the battlefield. What could have prompted you to go from being a peacemaker to being the one that order soldiers to their deaths?”

 

Ilyena just stared at her, mouth agape.

 

“Yes, yes, I know why there’s the need for battlefield commanders, but why  _ you, _ Ilyena? This was never the kind of thing that drew you like it drew Lews or Barid or Tel Janin. You have been so dedicated to diplomacy that you brokered a deal for safe passage into  _ Sindhol _ of all places. Forgive me, but it seemed diplomacy was your path to glory and you were well on the way to that end.”

 

“It was never about glory, my career as a diplomat, and neither is my position as a battlefield general. I do what is needed, when it is needed, and I do it the best that I am able. My skills as a diplomat are not needed in a war against shadowspawned creatures that kill and pillage and destroy my home and friends and loved ones; my skills, applied on a battlefield, have found some use in such a war, however.” Ilyena’s training as a diplomat served her well in this moment, however, as she kept her voice level and steady as the earth beneath her feet. “This is not me listening, Mierin, this is you asking questions. What did you want to tell me that I had gotten wrong about your motivations?”

 

Without warning, Mierin stood, her teacup tumbling to the floor and spilling the russet liquid across the woven carpet. She seemed not to notice this as she crossed to the window, her hands twisting together in front of her waist, agitation writ across her features and demeanor. Cautiously, Ilyena rose from her chair, sparing a quick thought to spin a barrier between the liquid and the carpet before she circled to the side of the other woman, always keeping her within sight. The silenced stretched out between them, the dark-haired woman staring out the window at nothing while the golden-haired woman watched her warily. Finally, Mierin spoke.

 

“Do you remember the first time we met, Ilyena? I doubt you do, because you did not speak to me beyond a polite greeting or even recall having learned my name on the second occasion when we met. I remember, though. It was the first day of an Oration class, my first such lesson at Paaran Disen though you had been in many of the same class by then I imagine. I introduced myself to you, sun-haired, charismatic figure that you were, and you smiled at me and declared yourself charmed to meet me, but then you put our meeting and me out of your mind. You were far more interested in the other charismatic light in the room, the man who had been mine until just before that year’s classes began: Lews Therin.” While she spoke, Mierin’s eyes never flickered toward Ilyena, her body rigidly still before the window but for her hands that still twisted around each other.

 

Now that Mierin had drawn the link between the two, Ilyena did remember. The girl had been young and unsure, painfully earnest with a touch of hero worship in her eyes, and she was right; Ilyena had been far more interested in the popular and athletic man that drew eyes, friends, and followers like moths to a flame. The next time Ilyena remembered meeting the raven-haired girl, she had changed to make herself stand out in the crowd, adopting a monochromatic look in white, and in truth, she had been so different that Ilyena could scarce believe it the same girl.

 

“Lews was mine once, and he’d loved me. But you, you were something new and bright and you captured his eye and heart. You captured the eyes of many that year, whether you were aware of the fact or no, but most thought you and Lews a perfect match and were content to watch from afar.” Mierin’s voice trailed off then, her breath a long, quavering inhalation, and she turned before speaking again, her gaze locking onto Ilyena’s. “I was not one of the ones content to watch from afar, and it was not Lews Therin’s eye I wanted to catch. I already  _ knew _ I could catch him should I choose, and so he was simply the bait with which I longed to catch another.”

 

Ilyena felt her jaw drop open, her hands fluttering against her skirt as she struggled to decide how to respond to Mierin’s words. Before she could collect her thoughts enough to form a reply, Mierin was speaking again.

 

“You were the brightest light at Paaran Disen, Ilyena, and I was no more immune to your charm than any other. You were casually flirtatious with other girls, so I did not fear you would reject me on basis of gender, but while you had captured my eye I could never seem to even draw yours to me. I had hoped then that pursuing Lews would incite some emotion in you toward me and that I could then turn your eye toward me instead of him, but it never happened.”

 

“Mierin, I…” Ilyena’s mouth was dry, her thoughts racing. Of all the things she had thought Mierin might want to say to her, this was surely the last of all possible options. “I thought you had gone to the Shadow because of what you could not have on the side of the Light?”

 

“Perhaps that is so, but it was not because I could not have Lews Therin Telamon.” Her body relaxing, softening in some subtle way, Mierin stepped toward Ilyena, gaze still holding the sun-haired beauty’s eyes on her. “Perhaps… Perhaps it would be possible to find my way back to the Light with the proper encouragement…”

 

“Oh…” That soft sound was all that escaped Ilyena’s lips before Mierin was kissing her softly, fingers stroking lightly along her jaw, below her ear, and into her hair. When Mierin broke the kiss and pulled Ilyena to her in a hug, steadying the other woman’s swaying form, it felt to Ilyena like they were both shaking a little.

 

Anyone who could have seen Mierin’s face over Ilyena’s shoulder, however, would have seen her lips curve in a cold smile.


End file.
